jasper, did you just eat bella?
by hollyb.loves.sparkly.edward
Summary: jasper ate bella and now he's...pregnant? how did that happen? and whats this about a war? and why is alice being thrown out of the story by a randomer? find out! random, funny as hell, with lots of cool twists!
1. jasper pregnant and pixies v leprechauns

Jasper, did you just eat Bella, because that's called cannibalism!

disclaimer: i dont own twilight...damn

**okay, so this is my first ever story and ive already got my editor mad cause im so hyped up its probably a load of random words...sorry if you think it is...very hyper....**

Chapter 1

Holly: hey hey, jasper, how's it going?

Jasper: *does shifty eyes* erm...fine, it's going fine...

Holly: okay...hey jasper, is that a bit of blood you have on your face, like, human blood...? *dun dun duh music*...cause if it is Bella will totally squeal...*a little muffed squeal sounds from jaspers stomach* huh? That's odd...

Jasper: ...WHAT? I didn't do anything! I swear! ...well...I did but it was her fault! She walked by like a headless chicken and sang about carrots and...I ATE HER!!! *dun dun duh music again*

Holly: ...oh the carrot song...how truly brilliant it is...*starts singing* ohhh carrotania, carrotania rules the world dun dun dundundundun duh duh duhhhh duhhhhhhh *does the song in the theme of the Britannia song...you know the one i mean*

Edward: *in a place in Australia somewhere* NOOOOOOO! Not Bella! She's meant to have my children!

Holly: oh hush up I'll have your children for you if I must...

Edward: ...*silenced by what Holly said*erm...I kinda wanted them from Bella...

Holly: *mutters* fussy vampire...

Alice: ...How can you eat Bella...seriously...she's in your stomach right now?...that's...BEYOND COOL!...hey! Jasper! Can you eat other people? Can i eat you Holly?

Holly: ewww...no Alice...only Edward has that right...

Alice: Edward *does puppy dog face* can i eat Holly?

Edward: *rushed back from Australia and is staring into jaspers stomach as if he were giving birth to bella* whatever...i don't care...*starts stroking his stomach * bella...can you hear me...

Jasper: im not pregnant edward , i ate her...

Alice: yesssss! *squints at Holly* hmm...*grabs salt and pours it over Holly* perfect...

Holly: NOOOOOO! Your meant to save me Edward! No don't let alice eat meeeeee! *tries to run away* EDWARD! HELP!

Emmett: carrots rock! *everyone stares at him for a second before realising Emmett said it...he says a lot of random stuff*

Holly: *stops and thinks about what emmet just said * heck yeah they do! Woo! Carrots rock!

Rosalie: Im not so sure...i mean...orange? so last year! *does a hair flicky thing*

Holly: go suck on a lemon rosie! Cause carrots rule! Hey just do! End of sory!

Edward: no! Its not the end! Bellas still eaten by jasper!

Holly: well it's going to end because I don't want to be eaten by alice!

Edward: fair douze

Carlisle: hey you guys! Do you wanna go bother people?

Everyone: heck yeah!

*find people and start jumping around them surrounding them*

Everyone: bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother!

The people who were surrounded: nooo! Stop with the bothering! I cant take anymore of it! It burns! Avada kadavra!

Emmett: hey! Only witches and wizards can say that!

Holly: avada kadavra!

Alice: anything you want to tell us?

Holly: *shifty eyes* ...erm...*said the way dumbuldor says it to harry* your a wizard, alice

Alice: *gives evil, knowing glare* sooo not what i meant...

Emmett: c'mon, tell the truth

Holly: i...like...vegetables...

Emmett: *points finger accusingly* she lies! She lies!

Rosalie: *smacks Emmett over the head and yells* Its rude to point Emmett! Everyone knows this!

Carlisle: wow, you sound like your deaf Rosalie...but of course, that cant happen...so...

The people they were bothering: Back to the story!

Holly: fine, i have a confession to make...*takes a look back at Edward who is still holding onto jaspers belly trying to talk to bella while jasper sits, bored out of his skull* ...the leprechauns are coming for war with the pixies...

Emmett : I knew it!

Alice: ahem, it was ME who knew it...and....*does a serious heroic face like they do in war movies* if its war they want, its war they'll get...*dun dun duh music sound for like the 3rd time*

*insert a load of really boring adverts here*

Holly: so...anyone up for pizza? I know this great place where you ca-

Jasper: AHHH! I think my waters just broke!

Edward: *with an evil gleam in his eyes* yesssss! Bella here you come! Woop woop *does a really bad dance move*

Holly: hey! Your meant to be good at dancing...im not sure if i love you anymore Edward... *looks away but sneaks a look back to make sure Edward saw*

Edward: *groans* fine....*starts doing the waltz by himself*

Holly: okay! I love you again!

Edward: yesss! Oh wait...no! i love bella! I love bella! *smacks his head to get it into his head*

Holly: don't smack too hard love, you need the brain cells!

Jasper: (very angry!) stop fussing over him and pay attention to the man whos water just broke!!!!

Alice: wow...someone's a bit hormonal...

Emmett: awww! Rose, i wanna be pregnant!

Rosalie: ha ha! You wish! Im gonna be pregnant before you!

Emmett: is that a bet i hear?

Holly: erm...no...that would be jaspers cries of pain an- *someone tells clueless holly what he means* ohhh! I get it he he yes, yes i think it is

Carlisle: killed the joke, dead, buried-

Holly: ohhh! Can i go to the funeral?

Carlisle: oh dear *shakes head in disappointment*

Esme: *fighting in the background with Rosalie for who gets to eat Holly* shes mine bitch! Go get your own human, you were never that fond of her anyways!

Holly: *sniff sniff* Rosie...is that true...? *bursts out crying*

Rosalie: no! Of course not *tries to be comforting* can i eat you now? *still in a comforting tone*

Holly: *stopped crying* erm....how about a- HECK NO!

Jasper: trust me rosie its not something you enjoy! OUCH!

Alice: can we get back to the war coming very soon? Now, i think we should get a load of guitars and smash it over their heads and we ca-

Carlisle: guitars? Why guitars?

Alice: Cause thats on my list of things to do! Plus, its gonna be so cool!

Everyone: oh! Ah yeah! Hey, thats on my list too!

Emmett: what else is on that list of things to do? *gives a curious face*

Alice: oh, you shall all find out very soon! Very soon indeed!

Emmett: how do you know that? You could end up never telling us or telling us when Holly is really old and will be asking us to repeat what we said over and over again

Holly: thanks, Emmett, and i plan to be a vampire once Edward finds out how much hes loves me more than bella

Alice: i know beacuase....i can see the future...ohhhhhh, yes i can see into the future *does little scary hand bit while everyone stares at her bored with cricket noises in the background (the insect not the game!)*

Randomer: we already knew that stupid! *throws a beer bottle a her* get out of the story! Booooo!

Alice: *trying to dodge beer bottles* help help! Jasper! Help me!

Jasper: I'm pregnant, bitch!

Alice: *muttering to herself* damn! *runs away*

So, as alice runs away, the war is coming nearer, will jasper ever have the baby, will esme and Rosalie ever eat Holly, will Edward ever get his bella back? Find out...NEXT TIMEEEE

Preview...

Holly: Hows the baby jasper?

Jasper: meh, she whines a lot, i might eat her again

Bella: hey! Get off me! Im not a baby! I want to go home! Let me go, i want to see Edward!

Holly: *smiles* they grow up so fast *gets a tear to her eye*

..................................

**wow, so thats the chapter, if you think its better than crap then ask for another, i have many ideas, so please REVIEWWWW! wooo! thank you xx**


	2. war heroes and ernie the koala bear

Chapter 2 war heroes and ernie the koala bear

**Disclaimer: i don't own twilight...sad, i know, i did ask for every occasion going, but it seems a lo of people have and im on a waiting list...ONLY LIKE 10 MILLION PEOPLE LEFT! Though, i hear tha no ones getting it...WISHFUL THINKING ONLY PEOPLE!**

**Anyways, hope you like it, because im going to be pummled by my editior later...wish me luck! **

Holly: Hows the baby jasper?

Jasper: meh, she whines a lot, i might eat her again

Bella: hey! Get off me! Im not a baby! I want to go home! Let me go, i want to see Edward!

Holly: *smiles* they grow up so fast *gets a tear to her eye*

Bella : *running away from jasper waving her arms in the air when he tries to feed her with a bottle* EDWARDDDDD!

Edward: *holding a koala bear in is arms* what? Oh bella....erm...i kinda have a new love

Holly:....ahem...ME...

Bella: a koala bear...what the hell, so random....

Edward: well...thats kind of why i was in Australia before....i was getting a koala bear...

Emmett: oh? Small town scandal!

Rosalie: huh? Scandal? Okay....

Carlisle: seriously Rosalie, your deaf!

*cue 'welcome back alice because your so brilliant' theme music*

Alice: *looks at the people who are conversed in the koala bear* PEOPLE! There is a war coming and i don't see any guitars! Now get ready....TO ROCK!

Emmett: wow...that was so cheesy i think the French are in town!

Holly: French? Cheese? I don't get the connection *the translator comes up to holly again and explains* ohhhhhh, he he, the French...and the cheese...coming in town....

Esme: dead. Just dead.

Carlisle: im starting to feel sorry for that translator...hes going to be here a while...

Edward: look guys! Ernie the koala bear just pooped on me! Isn't that exciting!

Bella: *sarcy* just brill Edward, that brown stuff is almost as good as chocolate!

Everyone else: ohhh poo! Wow! Ive never seen some so large before, its almost...cute!

*silence.....and then*

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Look pixies! Leprechauns! AHHHHH! Help help! Alice we need guitars pronto!*

Alice: mwahahaha! Now you all come crawling back to me!

Edward: what about ernie? Whats ernie meant to do?

Bella: hes meant to....DIE IN HELL!!!! MWAHAHAHA!

Alice: cool evil laugh bella! Your really capturing the evil moment of torture and bringing it to life a-

Holly: shut up bitch! Were trying to have a war here you know!

Alice: to your battle-stations!

*everyone shuffles about a bit while alice huffs at how stupid everyone is*

Alice: just bugger off and FIGHT!

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*all pixies and leprechauns start fighting with the vampires on the pixies side because alice used to be a pixie before she became a vampire*

Carlisle: hey, i didn't know she was a pixie before! She just looked small...with wings...

Esme: you can go threw being different mythical creatures....WOW!

Emmett: was i a kangaroo before a vampire?

*everyone stares at Emmett*

Emmett: okay....maybe not...

Holly: shouldn't i be on the leprechaun's side because im part irish?

*everyone turns and stares at holly*

Holly: people! What the HELL is up with all this staring....it freaks me out...

*everyone stares at holly more...this time including the leprechauns and pixies*

Holly: unfair! Staring is like supermans kryptonite to me! AHHHH! Im melting

Jasper: i think your getting your stories mixed up holly, supermans POWERS get lost, the wicked with of the...east....west....whatever, now THAT BITCH BURNS!

*everyone raises an eyebrow at jasper before returning to stare at holly*

Holly: *mutters and walks away* totally unfair...stupid staring mythical creatures....IM GOING! And im taking ernie with me! *snatches away ernie*

Edward: NOOOO!!! NOT ERNIE!

Bella: *does evil smile* YESSSSSS!!!

Alice: ahem ahem *coughs queenily*

Edward: who do you think you are, the queen of England?

Alice: pfff that girl has NO sense of fashion, I take that as an insult!

Edward: Your meant to.

Alice: Can we PLEASE focus on the punching little leprechauns were fighting?

Edward: Nah.

Emmett: Has anyone noticed that were talking at the same time as fighting?

Carlisle: Meh.

Esme: Teh.

Rosalie: Fehm.

Emmett: Whats up with these little words? Their so random! And none of them make any sense! Its just...WEIRD!

Rosalie: *does hair-flicky thing again* I shall repeat what I said! Fehm!

Emmett: That doesn't even make sense! So what does it stand for eh? Ehhhhh?

Rosalie: Federation of Evil hair-flicky movements! DUH!

Carlisle: Well why would you say that, is basically repeating yourself

Rosalie: You shall find out....LATER *dun dunduhhhh*

Carlisle: I swear that happens for everything...

Rosalie: It does, it just gives stuff to happen later on when SOME PEOPLE don't have any ideas left!

Holly: *from somewhere mysterious* hey! I have LOADS of plans actually roseyy

Rosalie: *huffing* ITS. ROSALIE....stupid writers these days...fehm!

Alice: Hmmm...anyways...has anyone seen Jasper anywhere because he hasn't been fighting, which is weird because he loves to fight wih mythical creatures, its his favourite pastime!

Jasper: *running after Bella still trying to feed her a bottle* This is totally not meant to happen! Im faster!

Bella: Is because... i have love in my heart

Jasper: pfff, as if! Edward loves Ernie now not you!

Edward: Hes right you know! I love Ernie, ever since I saw him in that pet store...

*SWOOSH INTO FLASHBACK* _I must get Bella something...OH! a pet store! She LOVES pets! *enters store* Hi! Do you have any pets i can give to my girlfriend becaus-OH ITS A KOALA BEAR! I MUST GET IT! *sniffs the air* bella? Are you here because you smell so amzing right now...OH its the koala bear! *thinks to himself* Damn, that koala bear smells so good! I might resist the urge to eat it, instead...I SHALL LOVE IT! *talking* I'd like to buy the koala bear.....oh his names Bernie you say...well...right, a lot of poop...needs to be cared for and given lots of presents...£25! thats an outrage! Im....STEALING HIM THEN! *takes Bernie* huff! *talks to himself* reminds me of bella so much...but what! I love this bear more than bella! Then...i shall....NAME IT ERNIE so it doesn't remind me of bella! Yes! Thats it! _*SWOOSH BACK*

....and anyways, he loves me too...

Emmett: are you gay? *raises eyebrow*

Edward: I don't believe loving a different species is called gay! I believe it should be called...animaluy!

Emmett: That just means your a gay animal lover.

Edward: Does not!

Bella: If you don't want to be that then LOVE ME AGAIN!

Holly: *still in mysterious place with Ernie* he NEVER loved you....i was always...ME...ME ME ME!

Edward: Well, actually, it was always Mike but-

*everyone gasps*

Edward: ...And then, he broke my heart that night at the sweethearts ball *sniff sniff *

*everyone nods and feels sorry, some giving faces of understanding*

Edward: how can you understand?!

Randomer: *sniff sniff* he broke my heart too!

*Edward and randomer hug and cry together*

Holly: *upon hearing Edward is hugging she arrives back with...Ernie and swaps herself and randomer* its okay, its okay

Edward: is that *sniff sniff* ...Ernie?

Holly: ...yes...

Edward: i love you Ernie! At least you'll never leave me!

Carlisle: erm...he cant live forever unless you make him a vampire...

Edward: Then I shall do what I have to do....

Everyone (including a lot of fan girls): *give 'in love' faces and SWOON LIKE HELL* AWWWWWW....

Holly: such a war hero....*drools...*

Edward: *does heroic stance...and then the koala bear comes into sight...*

Holly: wow, i'd accept LOADS of presents if he loved me liked that *snaps out of it* wait...id accept loads of presents anyways...

Rosalie: presents....what presents?

So, as Rosalie cannot hear a word, will she ever get fixed? Will the war ever end? Will Bella get Edward to love her again? Find out NEXT TIME...

Preview....

Carlisle: Right, Rosalie, if you look at these letters and tell me which ones they are please

Rosalie: Carlisle, I'm losing my sense of HEARING, not sight...

Carlisle: Pardon?

Rosalie: huh?

Carlisle: What?

Rosalie: I cant hear you!

Carlisle: What?! So now you cant see OR HEAR!

Rosalie: Old man....

Carlisle: Fine then....BITCH

Rosalie: OHH you did NOT just say that

Carlisle: Not just say what?

Rosalie: Huh?

................

**Right, you should be happy, I gave you guys a REALLY long preview and this is more pages than I had last time, though hopefully that makes up for the crappy timing (making you wait, FOREVER) so again...IM SORRY! And BTW, my editor probs hates me because this is the second time she has not seen this...and its only THE SECOND CHAPTER! But yeah, tell me anything you like, hate, want, LIKE MARMITE! Though, i hate that stuff...**

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! THANK YOUUUUU xx**


	3. im sorryyyy i hate school & it hates me!

**Dear newly found upon readers!!!! I am SOOOO SORRY, but as a few of you might know...or maybe not...but still, I am going back to school and I am doing 13.5 GCSEs, so I kinda have to put that first, which is very sad, but don't forget about me or other friendly characters and not so friendly because I will still be updating, just a little less, but I shall try my hardest and spend like 20 mins a day (hopefully) and I shall go on!!!! Thank you and please stay with me!!! **

**BYEEEE, Holly xxx**


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